Viewer be warned, this is no post for small children to read, nor judmental people in the background to read over the shoulder. This Is a post of complete dejectedness of oneself.
Here we go...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so very sorry.
Fuck my life. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
Fuck.
I knew it was something that I needed to do. If I didn't I would then become completely a shell of myself. That was unfair to me. That was unfair to [Her]. It was unfair to me because a shell doesn't live it only exists in life. It doesn't do anything it just is. It was unfair to her because what's the use having something that doesn't live. What's the use having something that just is; with no life, nothing to sustain itself. Slowly I was becoming something taht just lived off of the others around me. I was a parasite. I need to know who I am so that I can be perfect. So that I can stand on my own two feet and just be me. I wish [she] could see it that way. But right now I know [she] doesn't. And it hurts.
I have ripped out my organs and left them on the table. I'm digging around them trying to find my heart. But then I remembered that I don't have it. I gave it to you, and you can still have it. Please be gentle, though I understand if you're rough. For what I did was not gentle to your heart, what I did was not kind in anyway. But until I'm done figuring it out, in the cupboard your heart will stay.
I'm [sorry]. I [love] you. I [hate] you. Three separate words. Each one is used daily, and each one is used individually in their own contexts. And slowly, I believe that they have lost their meaning to the general public. I say I'm sorry and I mean it, but I also use it for filler. I use I'm sorry as a way of filling in a blank spot to where I have nothing to say. I love you. I've used this word so many times. I have used it in the context of friends, family, and lovers. But for only a very small select few of people have I ever truly meant it each time I said it. I know it's not fair, to use that word so freely and not mean it every time I used it. But when someone says that they love you, unless the relationship is important then you usually return the "love" because rejection hurts and you don't want to hurt anyone. I hate you. Hate is a strong word so I really really really don't like you, as (I think) the plain white t's once said. Hate is thrown around everyday for just about everything. "I hate orange juice." "I hate cats" "I hate egotistical bee-otches who dont' give a shit about anything but themselves." And yet I find myself hating only me.
I have nothing good to say today.
The final blow of the day, when I told you what I needed in the most personal way I could have, and you shoved me away. I understand, I really do. But that was the very last blow. It hurt, it broke me inside to do that but it was something that I needed to do. And then you pushed me. An image burned in my brain. Forever. I will never forget it, and never will the pain that came along with it be forgotten. I'm sorry I didn't say the right things. I'm sorry I didn't keep my mouth shut for the wrong things.
Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love, with you.
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