Before you die...

Dear blog worthy blog readers,
I am so  very sorry for not posting recently. I have been busy... on tumblr.
I know. I told you guys, once i started doing tumblr then I would stop blogging. And look at me! I'm pitiful.
(Though my tumblr is really cool and you should check it out and follow and shit. cause it's the shit.)
So anyways. I've been busy with other things besides tumblr too. I've been trick or treating, and making dresses and doing cool things.
Like today I went climbing with my friend Joey and found out that I was a natural climber. Like seriously.
This morning 5.10 (I think.) and 5.8 and those things didn't mean anything at all. But now I'm trying my damnnest to get to a fucking 5.9. Or was it 5.8. I don't remember. But so I climbed one and it was fairly easy and Joey was belaying me down to the ground with the biggest fricken smile on his face. It could be from being able to stare at my butt for like five or so minutes without getting scolded, but I'm going to say that it was more because I was totally fricken boss at  climbing that shit. Or possibly a combination of both. Haha.
But seriously. I've fallen in love with climbing. It's the greatest sport ever. It's like I don't know. It's so cool. And even though I've just started to climb today pretty much, I'm already boss. I know, I'm not gloating so there's no need to tell my ego to calm down, because my ego is calm. It's just really big.

Also I went trick or treating last night. I was a cat. (Images in a second. hold your horses.) The cutest fucking cat that you ever saw too. And I went trick or treating with my younger cousin Faith who went as the most kick as vampire that you ever saw. And I realized that even if I don't get a job anywhere I'll always have a job in costume design because I fuckin' rocked faiths costume. I styled her hair and her make up and made her the best vampire out there. She's twelve or something so I couldn't do a sexy vampire.(That's just vulgar anyways.) but she's in middle school and so I had a feeling that she also didn't want to look absolutely disgusting. (She didn't want blood on her face. So this is where I'm inferring this thought from.)  So I tried to go for a glamour vampire. Not glamour like fashion glamour but you know how vampires are supposed to have this magical power of "glamour" where they just magically have power over you with the way they look because the way they look captivates you and you're not quite sure why? Well that's kinda what I was going for. And I think I achieved it. I wish I had taken photos of it. Though erika might have some... But it was really cool. Her eyes are green so I went with a green/blue color combo to almost blend those colors with her eyes to create this mystical look of fascination and color flow to open her eyes and captivate you and things. So yeah. And then my makeup was cute too. I went with purples to compliment my dark hair and eyes. The only thing I wanted was to keep my eyes round and with a cat-eye eyeliner look. So that's what I did. And a black nose and whiskers. I took better pictures than the ones that I'm posting. And I'll post those later when I find my camera chord. (:

I know. I'm the cutest thing you've ever seen. 

A finished project is a wonderful project.

Alrighty. So that post before this post is the unedited version.
Here, for all of you I present a wonderfully edited and well thought out project.
Enjoy.

I can’t help but think.

Morgan Le Kander

“A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you’ll never entirely recover.”- Charles Bukowski. It just is. Slowly it causes me to nitpick through myself, and so I see it through the eyes of a cynical woman. As I slowly succumb to the idea, the idea of love being this serious illness. An illness that seeps into a person’s soul and sends them spiraling down into a state of pallor. From that first glance, an exchange of smiles. Then we traded the sparks in our eyes for these flames in our hearts growing with time as we sat in parks. And these flames grow hot, singeing our skin. When I realize, love hurts. Then I’m wondering what cancer feels like, for I feel that it must be something like this. These cells inside of me, dividing and growing, growing and dividing. There’s no cure, no script to teach me to stop loving, no directions to make this end. This cancer is contagious. This is why we are all sick. I sound bitter, but in truth… it’s just the meds. Small orange pills that send my mind careening into hallways, leading this cynical women to doors, which behind hide all the answers, to why I so hate love. But even that is a lie, because I love every tear that falls down my face as I am destroyed by the very thought of falling, falling… for you. My fear of losing this feeling that rids of me of clear thoughts and tosses me, quite violently, into these torturous endeavors. But I don’t mind,

 I am caught in the moment. 

Free Write.

So here's a sample of something that I wrote for class.
Why I'm sharing. I'm not sure.
But here it is.

“A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you’ll never entirely recover.”- Charles Bukowski. Right now this is the quiote that I’m thinking of. When freewriuting this is the thing that I wish to write about . I had once done a poetry review on him. And my teacher liked my review answer about his poetry just being “it’. The way that he wrote just is. And I like that. I like things being just it. Just the way that they supposed to be. Wow that was ahorrible grammar. And that was horrible spelling and that was a horrible thing for me to nit pick through myself like that when I’m just typing away. Typing all of these thoughts away onto this document . And then I’m thinking back to that quote. The one that I have as my first sentence and I’mt hinking that he’s right. In every way even if he was a mean spirited cynical peson he  was right about one thing and that’s that love is a serious illness that no matter what you will never recover from. No matter how much time elapses from the moment that you gaze upon a person from the moment that you two exchange glances and smiles and inside jokes there will never be a time when you can just stop loving. No matter how many timest hey wrong you or hurt you you will always love them. And that’s why it’s an illness for which there is no cure. That is why love is cancerous. And it’s strange when we’re young we are taught to love people and things and the world and and we are taught to be nice and care and just love things to no end, but never not once are we taught to learn how to stop loving things. We never learn how to just let things go and move on. And that is why we are all sick from the moment we are born into this worl. We are are sick from this disease that we are born into. A huge society of cancerous emotions and there is no cure. There will never be acure. And now I understand that I sound bitter on the topic and that I sound upset and just overall cycnical myself on the topic, but I’m not. I love being sick with these emotions. I love the heart wrenching feelings that I get when I am hurt, I love every tear that falls down my face when I am frusterated to no end because I cannot bear to lose this feeling of love for the things and people around me. I love this disease that rids me of clear thinking.  I love the emotions that plague me as I go through withdrawls of feelings of bliss and enjoyment. I love every torturous endeveor that love brings to me. And I am in love with being in love and I fall so easily into it. And I never fall so easily out. Once I’m in I’m in. And it’s a curse and a blessing all in the same moment.

Beautiful entities in my bedroom.

So. Once I start a blog. Then I have to make another blog.
You know? It's like tattoos. Once you get one, then you have to get another one.
(; See what I did there.
Alright.
So a few things I'm going to address in this blog.
0.) Why Erika should follow my Tumblr at work.
1.) Rant.
2.) Things in my bedroom.
3.) Why hank won't sleep with me.
3.5.) Alaska Bitches.
4.) other shit.

0.) Look we all know that you go and read my blog during your break at work. And that afterwards you delete your internet history. It's not a big deal. Everyone does it. Well, no. But that's okay. But I really think that you should add my tumblr to the other internet sites that you find yourself deleting from your history after your lunch break for many reasons. 1.) I post some really funny shit. 2.) I post some really cool fashion. 3.) Sometimes I forget to blog here and only blog there. So to keep up with me you might want to follow that too. 4.) heres the link.   itsokayimasian.tumblr.com  *Copy&&Paste. (:

1.) Alright. You know what? Fuck everything. Fuck the world. Fuck the cold bitter wind that is seeping through the invisible fucking cracks of my window. Fuck this darkness that settling into even the furthest crevices of marrow in my bones. Fuck this sinking feeling that is dragging me deeper and deeper into my own thoughts of existentialism and what it means to be a person and how I’m not even a single grain of a fucking human being. Fuck all of that. Fuck this shit.

Because I’m getting off of tumblr. I’m going to do something, 

and I’m going to be great.

*Tumblr window is going to be left up the laptop. I’m just going to move away from the computer for a moment and actually do something. Maybe. 

**probably just go put chapstick on. and then come back to tumblr&Blogging&Facebook.

2.) So I went through this giant luggage case that has been and more than likely still will be sitting in my closet and it's full of wonderful art projects taht I've done in the past both at home and at school and other institutional functions where I was told to create art. And So i'm rippin' that badboy open on a quest, because you don't just open a luggage case full of art. That's nonsense, because it's much more complicated than that. But anyways. So I'm opening it, err rippin' that badboyy oppeenn YEEEE and I see my *Journal. and I grab that mutha fuckah and I toss it on the bed** and then I grab this awesome hot air baloon painting that I did like over a year ago and I'm seeing all of these things that I have done and that i did. And this series that was up in starbucks once, and I'm just in awe of the things that I once did. And the person i once was. And i want her back. I want to be like her once more. and do the things that she did and be cool. So I am goign to .

3.) Hank Won't sleep with me. He hasn't for, well this is the second night in a row *INSERT REALLY REALLY REALLY SAD FACE HERE* And he always does this to me for a few nights after I come home late, so it's like on the weekends he won't sleep with me, but on the weeknights life is all "Hey baby gurrrrllll let's dooo this thannnggg" (*No. I do not promote bestiality. That is disgusting. But this is Hank. And he's a major sex symbol so he has to say things like this. End of story.*) And then hops up on my bed and shakes it and then stretches and shakes my bed some more and looks around and wonders "Lol. Wut da fuck. Wuz dat an Errrth Kwake?" (yeah. he speaks ebonics too.) But so tonight I'm alll Alooonnneee and lonely in my bed. Without a cat to cuddle. #mylifeissosad.

3.5)  DUDE. OH MY GOD. So I was looking at my blog stats right? And It highlighsts like all of the places that your blog is popular in. And my blog is all popular and shit (Popular is a strong word. Let's rephrase and use read by) my blog is being read by people in the upper midwest.... AND ALASKA. DUDE> HOLY FUCKING BALLS> HI ALASKA. HOW ARE YOU? HOW'S RUSSIA DOING? Lol. Just kidding. But srsly, you let us know if they start to invade. 

4.) Other shit. Don't remember. Don't care.

*Journal. This journal has a really interesting story. That story being a personal one. but hey you know what? I'm gonna put that shit up here cause this is my personal blog. So this journal is kind of how I "came out" to my parents/immediate family. I wasn't ready to come out to them. Not at all. I wasn't even really sure what it was that I was (*Don't worry. I know that I still dont' completely believe in sexual orientation. One (Roughly) 25% of the world population is completely either straight or gay. the rest of us, the 75% are in fact naturally Bi-sex-u-al.) but my mother was all "Whooaaa. Read. This. Shit." but to my face was all "My friend Katie thought it was her friends notebook that she left at her house." And then I'm thinking, "Dude. How the fuck did that get in her house?!?"  Anyways. So then my mother cried non-stop for like a week. And I was all, in my head, "Dude. She knows." And then idk it became this hugee fuckin' issue (Mainly with other issues tied into this notebook that I absolutley do not wish to post on the internet.) but it became this huge issue and I was always crying. and my mother was always crying and Auntie was all "Biiitttchhh that don' mean youuu lurrveee herrrr." (Love you Erika.) And so yeah. So it has a lot of history. 

***I'm reading it and it's makin' me tear up. And all of the holes in dates makes me really sad too.

Insight.

Alright. So here’s a literal wordy blog post rather than blogs about images and cats and things. So I want to change who I am. I want to be someone who is not me. I just want to let go of all of the things that are me that I don’t like. I want to shed a few inches of skin and warm my body up because tonight I feel creative. I feel alive and I feel like I can make something happen, but my house is so cold and I can’t. I simply cannot get out of my bed and do anything because then it means that I will be chilled to the bone. Which in my case is not cool, not at all. My mother was supposed to be here today. She’s not. She was supposed to be here tomorrow. She won’t be. And then she wonders why I have sort of detached myself from her; because I do not enjoy being let down. I don’t like this up and down of waiting for answers. I don’t like being excited only to be let down immensely. Because I mean, yeah I sort of don’t like my mom but that doesn’t mean I’m not excited to see her. I haven’t seen her in like a month. So yeah, I did kind of want to see her and have her shower me in gifts and things to show her love for me… and to get my clothes back and my license and social security card… Anyways. 

So I’ve quit wearing bras. Yep. It’s official I do not wear them any longer. Nope.  Nada. (Well I’m probably going to throw one on in a few days, but for the time being. I’ve decided I don’t need them. I don’t have enough stuff there to wear them.) 

There were other things I wanted to sort of blog about but for the life of me I cannot remember. 

Also. It's not that I dont' remember (I don't actually.) I just have otehr things that I am now remembering to blog about. Like my video for school. 

Click*to*watch 

It has reached eight views. 

EIGHT FUCKING VIEWS. How dope is that? Srsly. Haha, 

anywhoo. So remember that video I posted awhile ago that has no sound and me messing around?

Well here it is in clips. Not as funny, but i'm slightly proud of myself and had it had some nice voice over ior someshit it might've been cool. 

Maybe. 

Actually just kidding. The above note is a tease because blogger doesn't like it when I add videos right now.

STFU blog. No one likes you anyways. Everyone likes tumblr. 

Wait. is that why you're being a bitch to me? Is it because I've neglected you and started tumbling? 

I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't take it personally,  it's just that tumblr is tumblr. and you're you. 

You're still the real deal but ...

Shit this is awkward...

My wedding photos are in!

So that first dress is my absolute favorite dress in the entire world. Like.

I would kill someone for it,

It';s so "me" 

as far as wedding dresses would go.

"Book Addict"

I'm the largest creep in the world.
Fo' Real.
I saw this bumper sticker on this car that I was behind on my way home this night,
And there was this fuckin' awesome red and black bumper sticker that was all badass and shit.
and it said
"Book Addict"
And I followed this guy.
(He was going almost all the way to my house!)
and I tail gaited him.
I was basically just all up on his ass.
And then I was driving next to him (right. next, to. him)
and was trying to get the courage to wave or some shit and be all
"DUDE> OMFG, WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR BUMPER STICKER?!>!"
But he looked all gangster and shit.
so I was confused by that.
And also scared to say anything.
He was a white gangster, *just creatin' pictures.
not being racist.
duh.
Well.
I forgot all of the other cool
no I didn't.
I remembered.
So I went thriftin' with my grandmother today.
And I can hear some of you groaning. "ewww. thrifting is gross. whine whine whine."
STFU.
I'm asain and can do what- No.
I'm morgan and I can do whatever the fuck I want.
Besides. I don't want to look like everyone else who shops at the mall.
I mean yeah whatevs your dresses and cardigans are cute and stuff.
(But does he know how to wind you up. dun dundduuund dun dun dun)
But seriously. YOU ALL LOOK THE SAME>
GET SOME FUCKIN STYLE.
OR
GTFO.
Seriously.
But I got a giiiaant knit sweater that has shapes and shit on it.
and a skirt thing. like a hippie skirt.
and scarves up the ass. So many scarves. I love scarves.
and jewelries.
PEARLS PEARLS PEARLS>
FUcking love me some pearls.
And a basket for sewing things.
and that's all.
I think.
And I received another sewing machine (i like it better than the one my white grandma gave me. ... )
Anyway.



END.