Breaking News.

My mother had told me that even though I didn't see my grandmother (Even though I wrote her a note saying that I would) it was okay because she didn't remember that I wrote the note, because she wouldn't remember that I was coming.
She was wrong wrong wrong.
My grandmother kept the note posted on her wall next to her.
She made someone read it to her everyday.
She told EVERYONE about  it.
And how proud she was that I wrote her such a great note.
But that note was a lie.
I didn't come to visit her when she was awake.
I didn't come and talk to her all day. I didn't do what I had promised to do.
And now it's too late.
And I don't have a chance to make it up to make it up to her.
I am a horrible person.
I am the worst kind of person.
I am a person who let's life get in front of the important things.
And it hurts.
My heart hurts so inconceivably bad.
I didn't go see her today, like was planned.
No one did.
We all slept.
I slept eight hours today. This sleep was a mix of not getting any the night before and this severe depression that had washed over me. I want to go to sleep.
I don't want to do anything.
I didn't cause her death, but I feel somehow like because I didn't see her she is sad.
And I am sad.

I think referring to myself as Funemployed makes me feel so much better.

I can't remember if I blogged about it or not, but I quit my job at Clyde.
I'm finally done.
On another note.
Here's what the past (less than) 24 or so hours of my life entailed.

Went to a grad party,
which was really fun!
And stayed the night, "camped" in the barn with a few people.
Went halfway skinny dipping. (I still had my underwear on.) Only one person actually went skinny dipping,
I didn't really go into the water anyway because I can't swim and I'm afraid of black water
and afraid of waves that go over my head. So I stayed on shore mostly. But it was really fun!
And then we went back and just chilled in this awesome barn loft thing. (:
And then it was bedtime, but I couldn't sleep for the life of me,
and somehow this turned into friend massages, and spooning chains. It was HILARIOUS.
And then when I did fall asleep I was cuddling people in my sleep, and talking saying things like
"I don't like you. No aunty I don't want apple cake! WHo are you? Why are you doing this to me?"
and laughing and crying.
It was pretty insane.
So now I'm ridiculously tired.
Because I've gotten NO sleep.
and My great grandma elsie DIED. Last night.

This means many thigns for me.

1. I won't be able to complete my list of things to do this summer, not that I was going to anyways.
2. I lied to her. The first and last time I saw her in the nursing home she was sleeping so I left her a note, saying that I would come back and see her, but with the way life goes things came up and I didn't go see her like I promised. And I Feel terrible. It's seroiusly killing me inside.
3. I hate myself for not putting my priorities straight. 

She was the kindest person I had ever met. If you needed something she gave you more than you needed, she gave you half of what she had and NEVER asked for any of it back. For her birthday a few years ago she didn't want anything and everyone was mad at that, so instead of everyone getting her a present she made everyone donate to her favorite charity. She lived in the smallest house ever. The size of a trailer. In my eyes that makes me sad becasue I wish I could ahve gotten her a big beautiful house with a huge beautiful garden. She loved gardening and she loved flowers. 

She had an alcoholic ( and I think abusive) husband who never did anything. She worked at a factory and worked as a mom to a lot of kids. (I think like 5 or more) and she never wanted a divorce, she never told him he was wrong for being an alcholic and not working or contributing to the familys needs. She just kept on loving him because that's what she knew how to do. And I remember when I was little She taught me how to draw by tracing magnets from her fridge. I remember she would always have snacks for me. And the thing that will always get to me is that when her mind left her and she forget EVERYONE, she never forgot me. She always remembered me, and I know it sounds all egotisical, but it's not. Really i promise. But for some reason she remembered me without fail, which surprises me because I'm always changing how I look, so it really means soemthing to me that she would remember me. I'm not the most important person in her life. She forgot even her childrens names and who they were, but not me. Which is strange because I am her great grandchild. Not her grandchild, or her child.

It hurts so much. 

I miss her desperately. 

A quick blog!

So I quit. Officially.
I'm jobless.
I was so nervous that I almost wasn't going to do it.
But then I did it.
And wendy was all chipper about it.
Actually now that i think about it.
 the fact that she was chipper pisses me off.
That bitch.
I can do so much better than clyde anyway.
Who needs them.
Bitches.

Hank has been extremely cuddly lately.
I heard somewhere that cats are kinda useless during bad weather,
so I think this is why. If so i want it to rain every day that him and I are together.
because I am LOVING
this cuddling around my ankles, jumping in to my lap, kissing me,
purring at me.
and just luvin' me in general.
Because I love him
I don't love it when he's all needy and whiney, but I'm diggin'
the cuddly.

I don't think the past 24 hours could have been more interesting.

8pm Thursday August 4 :
Prepared my trip to Wisconsin Point for overnight camping. Fricken awesome.
I am the shit at building fires. And I'm not even a boy scout.

(The exact times after eight are extremely fuzzy until twelve thirty.)

*Times that occurred between eight and 1230:
Built a fucking awesome fire. Watched people roast s'more (my tummy didn't like the idea of any sort of food, that bitch) ran around the beach. Watched stars. Listened to the waves. Looked at the sun set.

1230 Friday August 5 :
Fricken AWAKE. Everyone fell asleep. I have no idea why we went to sleep so fricken early. But I couldn't sleep for the life of me. So I was awake. Tossing and turning. And sitting up and laying back down. I was annoying. It was hot and then it was cold. And then it was reallyy fricken cold because when I sleep I sleep in Ho clothes. Like shorty shorts and a tank top. I can't sleep in anything else, I feel like I'm dying when I do.

(The exact times from around 1230 to five am are a little fuzzy and completely uneventful, sort of)

Between the times of 1230-5 am: Drunk people jumping off of the light house (WISCONSIN HAS A LIGHT HOUSE?!?!?  I know. It's weird.) More tossing and turning. Scary noises. Waves crashing. BUgs. Ew.

5 am friday august 5. The sky was orange and purple and blue. There were still stars out. The tide sounded like it was coming in a little bit. There were birds chirping and it was a terribly peaceful moment.

5:54 am friday august 5 : THE SUN CAME UP. I woke everyone up (to their fricken dismay) to watch the sun come up from the horizon. It seriously just popped up out of fricken nowhere. It was the most magical thing I had ever seen in my entire life. And it kept rising. It didn't stop. It was so wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I love word.s I love them so much. But I cannot find a word to explain how I felt watching the sun rise.

And then after watching the sun rise this warm feeling  fell over me and I fell asleep. It was beautiful. It was a deep sleep. A beautiful deep sleep.

around eight i woke up and went swimming (: which was also wonderful.
I ate 3 pizza flavored pringles and my stomach went into an immediate cramp and said "Fuck taht shit. You're not eating that." an hour later I ate a smore (after using my awesome fire starting skills to start another beach fire. I'm the shit.)

Uhm nothing extremely special (also not something i want to share on a blog) happened until like four.

At four today My mother and I went to Burrito Union for a nice mother daughter chips salsa, and non alcoholic beverages. Sounds too good to be true right? Well you're right. It was.
What did my mother order? A starfire. for those of you who don't know what that is or haven't caught my drift, it's an alcoholic beverage. A beer of sorts. And then she drank everyone elses beer too. Yep. SHe's awesome.
Also I just want to note my age appropriate outfit taht I wore. Shorts, tanktop (it was victorias secret, and said so across the chest, this fact will make sense in a paragraph or two.) and a cardigan. Yep I covered that shit up.
So in like 15 minutes flat we have like two other men at our table. One of them older, like mid thirties, the other like 24. Older guy I think is named Chris, and the other well it's spencer but somehow I got tangled into calling him Toast.
So (and this is factual, and not egoist.) I was being hit on by Toast for awhile. to NO prevail because to be honest I just don't like getting hit on by older men. It's weird to me. I don't really like getting hit on anyway. But it was gross, because

1. My mother was there. And fricken let it happen. (and no this isn't the first time that it will happen tonight. it gets worse.) 
2. He knew that I was sixteen. Gross right? Fricken pedophile. 

So whatever whatever my mom got wasted and ended up flirting the fuck out of toast until I'm pretty sure he was sick of her, or felt like somehow he was giong to get her to go home with him, but he doesn't ahve a care (he told a dramatic story about it) so No. That wasn't going to happen. 

Anyway so taht went  on for an hour or so. 

And as we were leaving this fricken guy (named Matt I later find out) is all "Hey what are you ladies doing? have time to sit with us?" and my moms all I ahve this much time and points to the inch or so left of her beer. 

So we sit with them (regretfully) and I'm being completely hit on. I tell matt and his buddies that I'm sixteen.

No avail. He thinks i'm lying. What a fucking idiot. 

And then he's all "I don't think you're names morgan. It's something more interesting like Bianca."

and then toast is all "Or Victoria" 

and then they start talking about how matt didn't say that because it would make it "obvious" that he was staring at my chest. 

That's fucking disgusting.

I'm sixteen you assholes.

Also

I'd like to note that it's all false advertising. There isn't anything there.

So idk that pretty much makes them both pedophiles.

And i"m not so sure if it's pedophiles in teh sense that they like little girls.

I'm thinking more along the lines of them liking little boys.

Because underneath all of this that's pretty much what I am.

(Minus the penis. I don't have one ofthose. I'm only talkingg abuot the flat chest.)

Also I'd like to know how many of you girls mom's would get totally wasted when you go and have dinner with them? 

Uhm I see like three hands up./

Alright, how many of them would let adult male gender people hit on you? Inappropriately.

Ah, I see. There aren't any hands up.

That's waht I thought.

You lucky bitches. 

I'm bitter right now. 

Whitney cummings. She is wonderful.

So I've stumbled upon this wonderful comedian. her name is whiteney cummings. She says offensive things. And kinda says it like it is. Sometimes... 

^^ this oneis abut how crazy women are.

^^ Romantic comedies/ they set the bar high for men.

^^ and twilight, black history, and what a woman needs ;)

She's just so funny.

So my left hand has been feelings weird lately. I think it;s because of all the typing I do.

I do a lot of it. Not just for writing something. But also for this, facebooking.

GOOGLING! yes. I type. A. Lot.

So my hand feels weird.

I'm going to go clean my car so I can sell it and get a new one (:

WAhoo! 

What a ______ day.

I hereby give you creative license to fill in that blank spot.
Today was a great day.
Like a really good day.
I hung out with a goooddd friend of mine.
We went to this awesome secret beach of sorts and went swimming.
And it was seriously the best ever! (:
I just always have a good time when I am with this person.
So there.

On a sad/bad note.
I had a work meeting today. That I thought was on the 9th. I don't know why I thought it was on the 9th.
But I guess it was.
I've been extremely lazy with work lately.
Like ridiculously.
I think that I might just quit and enjoy the rest of the summer.
And this time (I know that I've blogged about this probably a gazillion times)
I really mean it.

I just want to party.

Somewhere deep inside of me there is a college frat boy dying to get out.
This college frat boy just wants to party. I don't drink, but he wants to.
I don't smoke either. But he thinks he wants to.
He wants to play Ultimate Frisbee, Where I have no desire to do any physical movement. Ever.
He wants to be social and have a gazillion inside jokes about dumb things, where
I don't really care.
He wants to be the center of attention. I'm fine with the sidelines.
He wants to be the mistake you make tonight. I don't make mistakes.
He wants to mak' on like ten different people. In a row.
I don't do that.
Ever.
He's crazy. He has great ideas. He's got balls.
I am a woman. No balls. My ideas are greater. I'm not crazy, it's just the hormones. (Not really.)
There's a college frat boy living inside of me.
He wants to do beer bombs.
I don't really know what a beer bomb is.
He wants to drink an entire keg.
According to this little card I got at school after one drink I should be completely over the limit and extremely intoxicated.
He wants to go chill with the bro's.
I just want to sit home on my computer and type up a novel.
He doesn't like to read very much. (He can handle an attractive persons phone number, but other than that he's pretty helpless.)
I want to eat healthy, because I'll get sick if I don't.
He likes Burger King. A lot.
His idea of looking good is rolling out of bed and putting clean clothes on.
Mine is: shower, lotion entire body, brush teeth, put makeup on, put an outfit on that took me an hour or so to  pick out.
Basically there is a college frat boy inside of me who just wants to party non-stop. Drink non-stop. And engage in sexual activities. With multitudes of people.
But I can't. Because I am not a college frat boy. Nor do the things that he wants to do sound all that exciting.