Becoming.

That’s all that I truly needed to hear. “Are you okay?”

I know that people care about me, and that they wonder this question in regards to how I am feeling, but it means so much more when you actually act upon this thought. Actions speak louder than words right?

Absolutely.

And in this case sometimes, I just need to hear certain words. I need to hear them until I have accomplished what it is that I need to accomplish. I’m not saying that I need to just bash an idea until I’ve done something about it. I just need reassurance that what I’m doing, what I want to do is the right thing to do.  Because sometimes all you need to hear is “Yep. That’s right.” 

And that’s all I need to hear, just constantly right now.

That I’m right. That I’m not riding the pity train. That I’m not making everything about me. Because I don’t want to make everything about me, regardless of it’s something I need to do. Because there are more people tied into my problems than just me. I spend so much of my time people pleasing, whether or not that’s how they see it, that’s what I do. And I need to stop doing that. Well no, I need to balance it out with doing things for people and doing things for myself. And the way that I see it, I am doing that, or I'm going to try to. Just not with one person. Because I haven’t become myself with this, I’ve grown a person inside of myself based on this thing.

Speaking of things growing inside of people. My cousin is pregnant. She’s younger than I am by two years roughly . I think she’s like three months pregnant. It’s really sad. And this weird paternal part of me is like “Oh my god! She shouldn’t be raising a kid at that age! Let me do it!” Though, I shouldn’t be raising a kid at my age either. Just having a tiny little person who I can teach to be weird like me, it’s an interesting thought. But I don’t want to do that, not now. Perhaps not ever. I do though, want to be a foster parent. I think that foster parenting is a great thing and that you’re either good at it or you’re not, but that also depends on how you view the whole situation of these poor children. It saddens me. 

She’s going to keep it though, which I don’t know how I feel about. Like I don’t particularely enjoy the thought of abortion, but I also don’t like the idea of children growing up in poverty, or learning things that they shouldn’t have learned in the first place. It saddens me. Deeply saddens me. I know that she’s scared. She’s very very very scared and I wish that there was something that I could do about it but throughout the years we grew apart, we weren’t very close to begin with though. I was always trying to be the “more experienced older cousin” but I guess; sadly she’s more experienced than I am now.