...: I have a medium sized ego. Stroke it.

NOTE: READ BEFORE READING: THIS IS SIMPLY TRAIN OF THOUGHT WITH COLLECTIVE IMAGES, NO FISHING (fishing for comments), NONE OF THE SORT. MY EGO AND SELF ESTEEM IS JUST FINE. I'M JUST SORTING THINGS. Thank you :)

Alrighty. So there's this ridiculous industry called "Modeling".
And somehow through sheer luck and perseverance I ended up in it, sorta.
I find it really awkward talking about it. Which is why I feel like blogging about it.

So I've ALWAYS wanted to be a model. Since I was just a tiny thing.
I watched Americas Next Top Model like a crack addict. I was that girl who stayed in all day to watch the marathons. Then one day I realized that while it would be really cool to be on that show, I haven't ever heard about ANY of the girls that have won after they win. Ever. So it just goes to show that it's just another game show, that I still would totally go on. I took millions of pictures of myself. I learned about photography because
1.) I love it. 2.) It really helps to know what's literally going on in front of you, like where the lighting is and where your photographer is sitting so you know what s/he's looking at. So yeah, I've got it down on both sides, kinda.
But this is a very scary place. Because they want people to be tiny. I'm tiny, but not to their standards. I try. I really do. But I have an addiction to Burger King and I'm lazy. Crash diets work for short periods of time, but have horrendous side effects. I'm too much of a walking stomach to be anorexic, and too lazy to be bulimic. I don't work well with organized work outs. I need to have an array of things. Right now hiking is my Favorite form of exercise. We'll see how long that lasts before I decide that it's something else.
This is so weird.
People think modeling is easy, and that fricken pisses me off. Because It's not easy.

It's like this ^^

And that's usually what happens when I'm not modeling. Because when I'm out with friends i don't care about looking "great" in a photo. I just wanna make silly faces and not care.

But I don't like to talk about it, because I feel like it gives me a huge ego, or no. I feel like it makes me give off the feeling to other people that I have a big ego. But I don't. Or at least I hope not.

But I don't know. I see the images, raw or edited and I look at them. For hours. because I don't believe it's me. I can't. I don't know why, but I am so shocked when I see them. I am so shocked when I see myself in a mirror. I don't know what it is. Who that is. I don't know .I am shocked. Perhaps because I'm "pretty" perhaps because I don't see what people see and I'm trying to see it. I'm trying to see what it is that makes it so impossible to look away (Man on street, I saw your wandering eyes) Because when I can't look away, it's not because I'm entranced by this girl in front of me, it's because I can't see what she has.