El. Oh. Vee. EE.

Sometimes I wonder if really I'm just in love with the thought of love.
I wonder many things.
And I'm starting to realize how many different kinds of love there are.
I love being in every kind of love.
But being sixteen, (It's close enough, can I just round up to seventeen? haha. #youngforever.)
I'm starting to realize how long Life really is, and I'm starting to realize that forever doesn't mean forever because we're finite beings. We don't last forever. Once someone dies their love (I'm leaving out spiritual things, and just talking about our physical "now" beings.) for you dies along with them because all of their electricity is gone, and they're gone. So love isn't infinite, but finite just like we are. though, even though that person is gone or dies, you still love them. You can't help it. Once something is created it's always there.
I don't know. I'm a hypocrite when it comes to love.
It scares me. Really truly scares me.
And people tell me they love me. They express all sorts of forms of love for me.
And I return it. Because deep down I love them too. Sometimes in the same way, sometimes in a different way.
This is just a rant about crazy, stupid love.
Because that's what it is. It's crazy. It makes you do things you would have never imagined yourself doing ever.
It's stupid because love makes you do things that not only would you never do, but sometimes dangerous things, sometimes things that do not make any sense at all.
But we do these things for love.
We do them beccause it makes these bonds that we form between each other stronger, it gives us a sense of belonging, a sense of worth.
That's all love really is; the feelings of being mutually needed.
I want to be needed, but I don't want to need.
Though, that's not how love works. You need to need on both ends.
But I'm full of self sabotage. I'm always subconsciously putting up walls, and barriers, and making myself unavailable to the things that mean the most to me, to the things that I want most, to people because I'm afraid to just dive in.
But then again. I'm only Seventeen. (I said it.) I have my entire life to go about being careful.
This should be the time where I dive in and out of what I believe is love. Later to find out it wasn't .
This is my time to think to myself and say "you should just wait for that one. Because it could work."
this is my time to think to myself and say "You should have waited for this. Because you decided yes too early."
And then I wonder should I be flirting away my younger days now? Should I just let go and smile and bat my eyes at anyone I see? And part of me says yes, and part of me says no. I say yes because flirting is fun. It's a great way to just let go and be silly. And part of me says no because i don't want to be "that kind of girl". I just want to be Morgan. I don't want to be attached to anything, I don't want to have to answer to anyone. And I shouldn't.
I don't have to.
But I worry about other peoples feelings much much more than i think of my own.
I bury my own deep down into this suitcase inside of my heart.
And I keep it there. But sometimes I over pack my suitcase and it starts to break open.
So I sort through it quickly. And get a larger suitcase and toss it all in there.
And I smile.
I laugh.
I keep going.
Without opening that suitcase, because once it opens I know that not only will I not be able to handle it.
No one else will.
And promises will be broken.
All sorts of promises.
Promises to be safe.
Promises to be alive.
Sweetsixteenpromisesoflove.
Promises that are harder kept than said.
Promises to myself that I made in order to protect you.
So many things that just can't be let go because of your feelings. Because i worry too much about you, before I worry about myself.
I don't want you to feel bad. It's just who I am.
It's how i work.
And sometimes i wonder if anyone will be the one to ever truly understand what I'm talking about . If I will ever find someone who will just give me a minute to express what it is that I'm thinking. No matter how absurd. no matter how redundant. That they will just listen because they love me so unconditionally that every word i say is the most fascinating thing that they have ever heard, even if it's something so lucrative as "I think toilet paper should only ever be three ply and up. Two ply is a little sad, and one ply is a joke." ( <-- this is so true. but besides the point.) I know for a fact that I'm just brainwashed by this idea of love that the media sets before me. but dammnit I want it. I want to be carried up the stairs. I want to come home to funny/cute messages written in candy on my bed. I want to have flowers delivered to me. i want snail mail. i want ever cheesy romantic thing that could ever be to happen to me.
I want someone to come up to me, grab me by the shoulders and look me in the eye and say with the intense passion that they feel for me "Morgan. I am the one and you know it!"
And I'll just about swoon out of delight. I want a beautiful romance.
But at the same time, I want freedom. I don't want to be tied down. I want to be independant of everyone. I want to be my own person.I want to be alone. I want to experience life by myself
But the further into this thing called life that i delve into I realize that this isn't possible.
There are so many people on this earth that you can never just experience something alone. Life is something that you must experience with other people. Which is why we have this absolutely beautiful thing called the human experience. And it's magnificent. And i'm obsessed with it.
But right now I cannot stop listening to love mixes on 8track. it's ridiculous.
But I'm obsessed with love.