Things you're doing wrong: Sleeping.

OK, so maybe you can't handle pooping, breathing or much else that you'd think would come naturally. But surely just lying in bed every night is OK, right? So why the hell do you keep waking up at 3 a.m.? You lie there, wondering what the hell is wrong with you. Will I oversleep? you wonder. How will I find the time to sit down and poop in the morning?

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"I have to remember to breathe, too. I can't deal with all this."

If this happens to you often, you're not alone. Chances are, if you mention waking up like this to your doctor, it'll be diagnosed as a "sleep disorder," and you'll be given one of the tens of millions of prescriptions for sleeping pills handed out to Americans each year. You'll pop some Ambien, only to awaken a few hours later beating up a police officer. What on earth went wrong?

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To be fair, you couldn't have known that wasn't a real truncheon.

So how the hell are we meant to do it?

In this case, you're already doing it right. It's your reaction that's wrong.

The idea that an uninterrupted eight hours is the only sleep pattern natural to mankind is surprisingly recent. Before someone who wasn't Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, people in areas with more than eight hours of darkness usually slept in segments: three to five hours of sleep, an hour of wakefulness and then another three to five hour nap. The hour or so of awake time was used for quiet reflection, sex, smoking and pretty much everything except staring at the wall terrified of insomnia. In fact, this small window of consciousness was renowned as the best time for boning, as the tranquility between the first and second sleep was known as being uniquely suited to getting up to mischief with the person lying bored beside you.

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This isn't compulsory.

In recent times, artificial light has pushed our normal bedtime back later and later, and this segmented sleep has been compressed into a single eight hours. Still, our brains are naturally wired for pre-light-bulb days. In a monthlong experiment, healthy subjects were given a long artificial "night" lasting 14 hours. They quickly reverted to the segmented pattern, waking up for an hour or two of "peaceful wakefulness" between two three to five hour stretches.

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By the end of the experiment, all the women were pregnant.

So why do we still wake up even when we've been up until midnight watching Deadliest Warrior marathons? Well, some people tend to revert to this natural sleep cycle despite all the artificial light, especially during dark winter months. Fortunately, having this sort of technology-resistant superbrain doesn't necessarily spell disaster. According to experts, if you stay calm and allow yourself to fall back to sleep naturally rather than lying there wondering why you're awake, you usually won't see any negative effects the next day.

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Unless you leave the TV on while you sleep.