Things I want.

Reader Notice:
This blog is going to contain some extremely personal things.
Personal things that I don't share, but with the series of events that have somehow spiraled into my life recently
I feel that it is a time to share my personal things and somehow grow from this.

So by understanding that if you so choose to continue reading you are hereby signing a mental contract with me and yourself that you will not judge me, you will not think lowly of me, or differently of me for the things that I'm about to post, because while they are important and "big" they aren't life changing or anything like that.
I'm just very self conscious.



You may now proceed. 





Alright,
so the death of my grandmother (I know I'll stop blogging once I get a hold of myself, until then deal with my blogs or don't read them.) has struck a chord of depression in myself.
I took a shower earlier, I hadn't taken one in awhile. Which is gross, but can you blame me? Really?
So I was showering, and I saw the razor.
And I'm sure you can all see where this is going.
But you're wrong.
I didn't.
I just cried.
I wanted to you know.
/////////////////////////////////
But I didn't.
I did.
I had been doing so for four years of my life.
And I know that lots of people do it.
But that doesn't make it okay.
It's a horrible addiction.
Because yes, you get addicted to cutting yourself.
I was.
I am.
But I don't give in to my demons.
Not anymore.
Not for a long time.
But I wanted to.
I am so desperately sad.
Anyways.
 So I was showering and I saw that razor, and I started to cry. I burst into tears; my lips swollen and thick, my eyes swollen and dry; from all of the crying.
And something stopped me.
I don't know what it was exactly.
I feel I have every reason to be as weak as I want.
But it's not true.
So I didn't.
This is a very personal blog post.
I'm not posting this because I want attention.
If I wanted attention I'd still be doing "it" and showing you in person saying "Oh, no biggie."
Which is why I'm doing it this way. So I don't have to see your face react to what I'm saying.
I don't remember exactly how I wanted to say this in my original thought of posting this, but
this is fine too.
I've gained ten pounds since I learned that my grandmother died.
That hurts too.
Because I don't want to let myself go.
I want to keep as much as myself as I can.




Just go. Move your cursor.