These things include: Self loathing. Imperfections. Doubt. Hate. Worthlessness.
And yet, I know they aren't true. But I believe them. I believe them as religious people believe so
deeply in their deity. I believe that I am a waste of mass. I am too much mass. I need to down size. I need to
become less of something. I need to become a name. A brand. A clothes hanger. A person who feels comfortable walking in front of talent scouts. As they scour my body with their eyes. And already I know I can take a good picture, but already I know that my body is not good enough. It does not show what my visual potential behind a lens can create. It does not show my raw ambiguity that cowers behind my voluptuous lips, my bedroom eyes. These bedroom eyes that shouldn't even be there because I am sixteen. But there they are. With my parted lips, a small breath escaping because it looks hot and heavy. Because It is a trick I learned from a photographer. Because it is a way to make my sixteen year old self look older, look wiser. Look wiser in things that I should know nothing about. But really I know all too much about. And I am to portray myself in such a light. Because.
Sex. Sells.
And I am being paid to sell things, aren't I? So I should sex it out. I should part those lips. I should have beguiling eyes that draw you into a world of limbo to where you can think of nothing but the way my eyes stare and those damned parted lips that are spread so perfectly you need to kiss them. You feel the need to press yourself against them. Even though I do not want that. I do not ask for such things. But it sells. And I am the close rack for the day. I am the mannequin selling this seasons latest style. That is all I want to do sell. But You insist on more. You insist that I must give you what I am offering. And it appears I am selling sex.
What makes a model more than a stripper? A hooker? A prostitute? They do nothing but use their body to give you something visually appealing. But I like to think that I am more than that. I like to think that I am more than a stripper,a hooker, a prostitute walking the streets; leaning up against a pole.
I am more than that.
I just watched a documentary on Sarah Ziff (actually it was by her.) It was very interesting. Inspiring even. And yet, it's all that I want still. I want this fast life of Paris, Milan, Japan, etc. And back again. And All over again. And repetition of hair, wardrobe, makeup, walk. Repeat. Work out eight hours a day. Eat foods that hardly have any substance but carry every nutritional value necessary for life. I want that. It sounds ludicrous, really. But that is, has been, my dream for the better portion of my life. It's all that I've ever wanted. I've wanted it for so long. And somehow the stars have lined up and are slowly revealing to me a life that I can have, a life that I want. It's wonderful. And as I'm reaching for this I accidentally glance down; actually I notice everyone else glancing down. At me. Because I do not have the right proportions. I am not six feet tall with my weight. I am five foot one with my weight. And As far as my knowledge goes unless I'm scouted out by someone high up in the industry I have a one in a million chance of realizing my dreams.
Someone once said that modeling is what pretty people do when they don't know what to do with themselves. While I understand this. I disagree. There are people who know what they want to do. And it happens to be this. And for me that's how it goes.
I just I want it so badly. But I cannot have it. But I keep on striving because maybe I'll get lucky somehow and get it.
I want it.
Female Model Wanted(paid) (Twin Cities,MN)
2011-07-19T15:08:02-05:00
Faceless Nude Female Modeling (Minnepolis)
2011-07-19T10:06:03-05:00
Female model 18+ needed (Maplewood)
2011-07-13T14:23:46-05:00
Female models 18+, lingerie/swimwear shoot (St. Paul / WI)
2011-07-14T17:57:08-05:00
Artist looking for female models for new body of work (Minneapolis)
2011-07-19T09:29:00-05:00
Amateur female models needed (twin cities)
2011-07-19T14:00:18-05:00
Bizarre photographer seeks outrageous model (St. Paul)
2011-07-11T08:58:58-05:00
Welcome to my Life.
Here's my most recent picture. Just to keep you updated.
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